Commercials better than TV comedies

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America’s TV situation comedies used to get the biggest laughs out of me.  I think of classics like Seinfeld, Everyone Loves Raymond, Soap, and so many others.  That was then.  Now, most of them are nauseatingly silly to the point of abject stupidity.

Instead, my “fancy,” when extreme boredom drives me to try to find relief on the big flat screen, has become the commercials.  Here are just ten from among a boatload  of what have become a long list of “can you beat that,” fascinating and intriguing modern-day “Madison Avenue” copy:

First among equals there’s the ubiquitous, ventriloquist Flo who is the foil to her coin purse.  It’s not possible to watch any program on TV these days and nights without another gotten-very-old-and-tired message from Flo.  How her employer can afford 24/7 commercials and pay claims remains a mystery—but, then, if  you’re in a fender bender with one of the persuaded, maybe there’s no longer a mystery!

Then we have the bathtub scene: Is it humans or aliens that can realize an intimate relationship by sitting in matching bathtubs at sunset?

I do like the little kid in his crib with an adult voice who reassures the viewer that by the standards of a certain firm at providing investment profits, he’s the most wise among all investors in America.

What I can hardly sit still for any longer is my wait to be on vacation where an overzealous stranger with a message T-shirt boards the double-decker bus I’m on to tour a city and throws a package of laxatives at me, claiming to explain her aggressiveness as that I appear to be in need of what the box contains.

Here I thought the main reason for buying a certain American-made car was to realize better transportation when in fact, according to interpretation of that company’s latest commercial, it’s primary benefit is being able to throw a huge armful of what appears to be non-descript junk into the truck of one.

Why do people who suffer from acute indigestion because they eat the most noxious of foods continue a practice that places them in the way of a slice of deranged pizza or a slap-happy burger unless, of course, they drop a chemical down their throats before, during and after eating their abuser?

No new car can be found attractive enough to buy, it’s strongly suggested in almost all new car ads on TV, unless it is driven at breakneck, totally reckless speeds on the most treacherous highways in the U.S.?

The only way one can be sure about pharmaceuticals these days is to consult an owl about your need.

If you wonder why your car insurance premiums are so sky high, see what those other drivers covered by a certain insurer are doing to their automobiles: Their neighbors saw limbs onto them, they drive them through their garage doors, air-conditioning units from second-story windows drop on them, and they drive them into lakes of water.

So, the real laughs on TV these days are really in the commercials.  Can there be any other conclusion?  Meanwhile, should you consult a list of home repairmen to address what fixes you need, how can a clear-cut decision be made when everyone on its list receives an A or B grade?  Is any handyman or woman to be avoided?

(Gene H. McIntyre lives in Keizer.)

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